I (23M) grew up in an extremely abusive household. My older brother learned to imitate the violence and lack of remorse my father modeled, while I hid in my room for most of my childhood and slowly deprogrammed until I learned to trust safe people and assert my needs and boundaries. Now that I know what safe people are like, I also know what they absolutely fucking aren’t.
I think most people would consider my brother a psychopath. He beat his girlfriend’s cat to death, brandished a knife at my father in a screaming fit of rage for insulting him, strangled a bird and displayed its corpse hanging in a tree, fantasizes about mass murdering “liberals,” said without hesitation that he would kill me in a “civil war,” spoke extensively about his desire to break women down and control them, drives recklessly and amasses unpaid speeding tickets, and, most importantly to this discussion, insists that he will have to “take care of me” and “force me to live with him” after my father dies, because I will supposedly be too incompetent to take care of myself. He also has an extremely fragile ego, and any perceived slight or defiance can trigger a violent rage that he admits causes him to lose control of himself (hence the cat’s fate for “misbehaving”).
Suffice it to say, I don’t want to be kidnapped. None of the money or outside communication I have will do much good if he takes away my access to them. What can I realistically do if he makes me live in the middle of nowhere with no phone, no money, and no transportation? It may be a fate worse than death.
I’ve been in therapy for half a year and reached the point where I am no longer stuck in a perpetual freeze response and can assert my needs and boundaries. This caused subconscious shifts in my behavior that my narcissistic parents have reacted with hostility towards, calling me “crazy” or “aggressive” for asking to be treated with respect and standing my ground. My mother finally snapped and said she wouldn’t do anything for me anymore… I was frightened at first, but my life barely changed once she withdrew her support, because I was doing most things by myself already without realizing. I don’t feel so helpless and dependent anymore because now I know my family was bullshitting me the whole time, and now it’s even more clear that my brother has predatory intentions when he paints me as incapable of taking care of myself.
I’ve been working on a flexible plan to make a clean break from this situation. I can run away tomorrow and my brother won’t be able to find me. But there’s one problem that prevents me from truly disappearing: he has access to my full name, date of birth, and social security number, if not because he knows it, then because my mother will readily tell him.
Getting a job and a place to live can leave a paper trail that links my name and SSN to my new location, allowing me to be found no matter where I live in the U.S., and emigrating out of the country isn’t a realistic option. It’s also worth noting that my brother travels a lot and regularly takes road trips spanning several states, so it’s not like geographical distance will deter him.
Is self-defense going to have to be a part of the solution here? Or making it almost impossible for him to get away with whatever he might pull if I tell him no? I would really prefer a solution where I could just disappear off the map and live my life separately; I would hate for the situation to have to come to this.
It’s worth noting that I have not explored legal avenues yet because I don’t want my brother to be notified of any actions I take against him, which I fear will escalate the situation.
I expect that no matter what, I will have to make some difficult decisions here. I spend every day in constant anxiety so severe that I am afraid to get food or use the bathroom for fear of encountering my brother. But I have to face reality and accept that hiding in my room isn’t going to protect me from him. I think staying and trying to seek stable employment or education under such extreme threat is an unworkable solution.
I plan on visiting my local library soon, where I will be able to make phone calls without anyone in my family hearing.
Any ideas? I think having a trusted contact to stay with might be a decent temporary solution that will help me get my bearings, but I’m going to have to deal with the discoverability issues eventually. I would also need some way to find people I can trust in a limited time window, which seems inherently risky. But does that really compare to the risk of doing nothing? Staying at any shelter that will allow me to stay might also be a temporary solution, but given the finite number of shelters, I run the risk of being discovered eventually.
Victims of domestic violence can change their SSNs!
See this PDF from the social security administration to see if you meet the criteria, and what you need to do: New Social Security Numbers for Domestic Violence Victims
I’ve looked into this option a bit, and from what I’ve read, you need a ton of evidence to get an SSN change. Still, as another commenter said, it’s worth documenting everything. I already keep a journal about what I think and feel day-to-day, which includes my fear of my abusers and anything notable they do. I’ll make sure to gather evidence as part of my strategy.
It is definitely important to start the paper trail sooner than later. I hope you are able to get to a better place very soon.
Move, and the further away you can get, the better. Bigger cities have the advantage of letting you get lost in the crowd, smaller towns can be good because it’s a lot harder for them to just show up and not stick out plus you can easily be on a first name basis with local officers.
I broke contact with my family years ago, and my mother used to call the local sheriff and police departments claiming I was missing or in danger just to force contact. When you get to your new area, go straight to the local police or sheriff’s office. Explain that you are safe, an adult, and actively fleeing an abusive family situation. Ask them to make a note on your name so that if your family files a missing person report or requests a “welfare check,” the cops already know the deal and won’t give out your location.
If you need help getting away right now, go to a local shelter or domestic violence center. Tell them what is going on and that you need out. They can give you a safe place to stay, help you get your bearings, and can often help set up bus transportation if you have a safe contact in another state.
Since your brother has your full name, DOB, and SSN, here are the exact steps you need to take to protect yourself from a paper trail:
Grab your physical original docs before you leave. Get your actual Social Security card, Birth Certificate, Passport, and State ID. Replacing these without a permanent home address is a massive headache, and leaving them behind gives your family leverage over you.
Lock down IRS.gov and SSA.gov now. Create your official online accounts on IRS.gov and SSA.gov using a brand-new, secure email address before your brother tries to create them under your name. While on the IRS site, sign up for an Identity Protection PIN (IP PIN). This prevents anyone from filing taxes under your SSN, which stops people from using tax records or W-2s to find your new employer.
Freeze your credit reports. Freeze your credit with all three major bureaus (Experian, TransUnion, Equifax). Don’t open store cards, and never give out your physical address for mail—use a P.O. Box or a UPS Store box instead. Switch to a completely new bank. Do not just open a new account at your current bank. Go to a brand-new financial institution that your family has zero history with or open up an account with an online only bank. Bank tellers fall for emotional social engineering from crying relatives all the time.
Watch out for public record leaks. Voter registration rolls are public records in almost every state. Don’t register to vote at your new physical address right away, or look into your state’s Address Confidentiality Program (ACP) for domestic violence survivors, which lets you use a state substitute address on official records like the DMV. Ditch shared phone plans. Get off any shared family plan immediately. Get a cheap prepaid phone under your own name, and check your belongings and vehicle if you have one for things like Apple AirTags or hidden GPS trackers before you make your move.
Stay completely off social media. Delete or abandon your current accounts. Don’t post about your new location, new job, or daily routines anywhere online.
Taking that first step out the door is terrifying, but physical distance gives you control back. You are not nearly as trapped as you feel right now.
As u/IWW4 sagely stated, get as far away from them as you can.
When you DO land somewhere else, and start with a new job and a bank account - firstly, find a single branch bank to use.
No large corporate bank.
When you open the account - do NOT - have it accessible online. NEVER make an online account for it. Have that noted ON the account so if your bank is discovered (this is why you use a small bank - it’s just harder for family to find…) no one can get into the account. This removes the possibility of it being accessed from afar, even if the person HAS your personal info. You do all your banking in person.
Secondly, pivot to using a secondary account at the bank, and that is what you tie a debit card to and you go in and top it off as you need. If you have credit, lock it down.
Get a new phone number and keep any pictures of yourself in that new location off the net. Consider also witholding where you are from family or friends that brother and parents may also know. Just make the cleanest of breaks and shut or lock down anything in your name that the relatives may try and access.
Good luck.
Thank you! I’ll keep this in mind.
Yeah, I’m definitely gonna have to cut off the whole family tree. Even if they weren’t in cahoots with my parents and brother, the generational trauma fucked them all up too, so they could certainly hurt more than they help anyway.
I already was a pretty anonymous person on the Internet. I never posted my face once, so at least I have that going for me.
What do you think about transferring from a big bank to a small one? Do I have to do that manually and smuggle a wad of $100 bills to transfer my emergency fund to the new bank? Even if I space out the deposits, I wonder if it would trigger investigations from the bank (to investigate the influx of cash) or IRS (to see if I have an income source I’m not claiming.)
Contact your bank, phone provider see if they have additional security questions to access your account like a pin or passphrase. Freezing your credit score will also be a good idea.
You log every single time they interfere with your life, no matter how small, a phone call at odd hours, contacting you at a workplace, impersonating you for access to your bank or phone records. Then you try to get a no contact order from the courts.
Now that sounds simple, but I have no doubt it won’t be.
It’s simple, but not easy.
You might also find he doesn’t actually care as much as you think he does when you get away. Cluster b personalities (oh hi) often have something called “relationship impermanence” where you’ll just kind of stop existing and he’ll lose interest after he hasn’t seen you for like 3 months.
Not that he’s consciously lying about that specific thing or anything; part of why we give that vibe so strongly is that we also truly believe that nothing will ever matter more than you while it’s happening. Cluster b’s who have done therapy have to specifically learn skills to stay invested in relationships long term but I’m going to go out in a limb and guess this person has done 0 therapy and has no intention.
This isn’t to say you shouldn’t take any of the precautions other people suggest because you absolutely should just in case. But don’t look at it as this impossible inescapable thing when that’s probably just part of the “spell” of control he’s got you under psychologically.
I’m steeling myself for the worst, but I’ll hope for the best. I’ll keep this in mind so I don’t live in crippling paranoia for the rest of my life. Thanks!
Just a question out of curiosity: how did you become self-aware of your Cluster B personality? I always thought Cluster B precluded self-awareness due to the belief that one is always right and others are the problem (in NPD and ASPD especially).
America really needs to … step up
To access anything personal in my country I need to login with a government issued 2 factor authentication.
I got a username. I type that in, when loggingninto my bank, or government digital mail, wanna change my address etc
Then after typing username, it aays, check your phone. I open the app on my phone and there i gotta type my pin(or faceid etc)
Then the app says “bank of denmark requests login”
Then i gotta scan a constantly changing qr code on my screen. Scan that, swipe to confirm
Then i get logged in
And i gotta do it again for setting up certain things in my bank, like new accounts, out-of-bank transfers, or whatever
If you dont have a smartphone you can opt in to get a keychain pin-device… small thing that generates 6 digit codes every 20ish seconds
The government dont send physical mail or whatever, unless you opt in (mostly old people, handicapped etc) and signing documents is also all handled digitally.
Ive not heard of anyone being scammed without them participating like, being lied to on a phone call, to make bank transfers etc
To create this login i need to show up in government offices with my passport or birthcertificate. They then ask a series of questions like last 5 known adresses and names of some family members etc. if you fail to answer they tell you go go home and get your shit together
In Australia I’d tell someone to use one of the big banks as they have the best privacy and security. Reading the American responses it seems different there
so a smartphone is required to live in your country?
In mine without a smartphone you need to do stuff in person more which probably opens you to more social engineering attacks
why would in person open one up to social engineering attacks??? Do the people just call you out of the blue legitametly or do you go down to offices and get official mail?
As long as you’re not in the same city, they’re not going to know where you went if you don’t tell them. Leave, change your number, don’t post on social media. You will be shocked at how much instantly easier your life gets when you leave.
I’m concerned that my new address and workplace will appear on public records. I know that physically leaving will buy me some time, but I’m afraid of my brother using data brokering services, hiring private investigators, or potentially abusing the legal system to force me to appear in court with him. (He has a lot of disposable income.)
I believe you on the “life getting easier” part. Yesterday I wrote down everything about living with my family that stresses me out and came up with 183 unique things! I know that life without stable employment or housing will be rocky, but I don’t think it can be worse than this. I can’t wait to finalize my plan and get the fuck outta dodge!
I have “disappeared” myself, and I did it by keeping anything that has my address at an outdaed one, and handling all payments online with prepaid cards or stored value accounts.
When I run my name it comes up with an address from 25 years ago, which the data brokers still think I live at.
I don’t have home Internet, I use a repeater to aim at the store down the street and use their wifi, so no need to put my name ona bill. This is also helped with renting a room instead of an apartment as you pay a portion of the bill which is held in someone else’s name, not in your own.
That’s a major issue, as even when they say they don’t sell your data all of the utility and service companies have “Partners” who do sell it, and while there are supposed to be ways to avoid this they are often things you have to file for after you have an acount and the data has already been sold so preventing it from being handed off again si pointless since it is already in the pacakge their “partner” sells to brokers.
The best resource on this front is Michael Bazzell’s Extreme Privacy Guide, written for dealing with exactly the sort of situation you’re facing.
