Life is definitely a curse.

That makes sense for the average person maybe. Unfortunately, I am not the average person and I will almost certainly be cripplingly even more sad in old age. I have strong reasons to believe this, largely due to having missed out on life more or less by sheltering myself from it in my youth. And as I age I’ll continue to know this and it’ll become more and more cemented and bitter.

Though I will say, this also might be influenced by the fact that they merely surveyed a slice of people, and older people might have been happier in 2012 (and continue to be so) because they have more money than previous generations will have in their own old age.

Really long story:

I once knew a girl in high school who I, in a rare moment of boldness while we were away from prying eyes, asked if she would be my girlfriend. She had been my friend for a short while and she fucking chuckled immediately in response, almost instinctively and said “No, sorry.”. My autistic ass did not exactly immediately understand why she laughed until I ruminated later.

That said, she seemed to be very friendly with me afterward, like maybe she felt bad and still liked me as a friend… And despite feeling hurt by the way she responded I still hung out with her every once in a while. She eventually got a hot confident boyfriend, because she was also hot. And I kind of started avoiding her because it hurt seeing her with a guy who I felt clearly was better than me, caused me to spiral into self loathing when I saw him. I did not know I was autistic, I just knew I was an infamously weird dork.

Fast forward ~11 years later I stumble into her and she looks like shes a different and much sadder person. I don’t want to body shame but she looked a lot worse and I was no longer particularly attracted to her, she was ok looking. She was going on about a recent break up with a guy who she said cheated on her to the bartender.

Now I’m polyamorous, and I legit don’t understand and actively dislike monogamy, but obviously I have a faint idea of how painful being cheated on would feel like, and she seemed super sad and I felt bad for her. After talking with her and catching up a little for like 20 minutes, she drunkenly tried to make out with me.

I got away from her and the internal anger I felt was supremely intense. Like, what the actual fuck, fuck you. You fucking said no and now that you’re washed up and depressed about your ex using me as a fall back.

I cannot describe the feeling of grief flare as well. Like, maybe if she had said yes back then. Maybe I could of had a normal romantic experience as a high schooler instead of being what I was. Sure maybe also wouldn’t have worked out like most relationships, but still. I was a really lonely fucked up high schooler with a completely empty romantic life. Just a void.

I’m doing better now romantically but I was also still having trouble getting any romance at this point in my life even 11 year later. I was still painfully lonely. But the absolute bitterness I felt toward her made even pity for her out the fucking window for me and my desperation for any intimacy dried up instantly in that moment.

Part of me wonders if I should have just gone for it and I was being petty. I don’t know. It just makes me kind of sad to think about.