Tenebris Nox

What’s more frightening is that the report is limited to specific chemical pollutants. If its remit was wider then pretty much all water systems in the UK would fail. We have neighbours who now refuse to go in the sea and drink only bottled water. I’m beginning to think they might have the right idea and not be mad-as-a-loon preppers.

Just shut the pubs. And the night clubs. And the cinemas. And the theatres. It’s about time we all started wearing black and white clothing, covering our heads and restoring the Puritan way of life. Wasn’t the UK a much happier place when we had witch-hunters and ducking stools?

So we’re now identifying:

• children as young as 5 in case they could be terrorists
• children as young as 5 in case they will be a NEET 15 years later

Coming soon:

• identifying children who question whether a sky god exists
• identifying children who might have same-sex affections
• identifying children who don’t cheer when they see a picture of a member of the royal family