I’ll start.
We had great chemistry but different goals. She was religious and looking to marry and thought she could change me, a non-religious person who intends to remain unmarried and childless. I was up front about the lack of religion and the lack of desire for marriage. She was not up front about her intent to change me.
After two months of regular flings she told me we couldn’t see each other anymore, because she wanted someone to go to church with, it was my fault she was living a sinful life (totally), and she was cheating on me with another dude was a Christian.
Found out she cheated. Not sure what her motivation for that was, we never really had any problems prior to it.
It isn’t always rational. Sometimes it just comes up in the moment and you go with it.
Either way, the bare minimum to do is talk it through after and see how it impacts everyone in the mix, and address that. The worst to do is not to say anything and hide it until it breaks someone.
I have a habit of openly talking about this kind of thing with my partners. I’ve been in poly relationships and I’ve learnt to talk about all this without emotion taking over, but I still understand the taboo and kind of weird gut reactions to these things people have. So I often like to explain that if things happen in the moment and just kind of pass, that’s okay: but it goes both ways, and I hope they’ll at least try to be understanding if it ever happens to me too and talk it through.
It’s exactly as awkward and kind of “fragile” to talk about the first time over, as you’d expect. But once out there in the open, I hope it gives us confidence and trust to talk freely. To this day I’ve always managed to control myself and break off the fling when it happens, but one day I might not and I think it’s okay. For them too. Life throws us shit and we aren’t really prepared for all of it. And sometimes it throws sweet stuff and it’d be a shame not to indulge if it really is that strong a moment. In mono relationships that is. In poly or free it’s just much easier about all this. But tougher on some other things, like sharing time and learning to accept and deal with not being the sole focus and not keeping a sole focus yourself.
I haven’t had any reason to believe any of my exes would’ve cheated, and I feel like we’d have all been comfortable enough to talk about it if it ever happened. Neither have I broken anyone’s trust once earned and kept.
But things happen and I’m not going to pretend to be immune somehow. World is chaotic and unpredictable and fucking beautiful.
Nononono. She never told you what her problem with you was.
Even if she wasn’t just a crapbucket of a human being and was unhappy for some reason, she decided to become acrapbucket of a human being when she decided to cheat instead of talking about it. Not talking about the problems you assumed existed is immature in the first place. Stop victim blaming.
I don’t victim blame, you misinderstood. There wasn’t even the trust/need from her view, to talk about it. This relationship was doomed either way.
It sounds like there isn’t any conceivable scenario in which you see the cheating as the fault of the cheater. Please make sure you inform existing and new partners of your policy, and be sure to also explain that if you don’t discuss your relationship that’s always their fault too.