My dad posted a single word in the family group chat.

HELP

He didn’t respond to frantic replies. I was in the car, on the road in two minutes.

He couldn’t print a PDF.

So just now, as it happens, I was out for a walk and suddenly G’rlanshchs the Insatiable started eating the Sun! Luckily I knew how do deal with it and started slaughtering some sheep in a nearby field. For nearly an hour I butchered them by the dozen, crudely slashing with my penknife and shrieking platitudes as loud as I could while G’rlanshchs continued to devour until finally he abated, satisfied with my offering, and regurgitated his meal. The fucking ungrateful farmer, meanwhile, just shouted at me and for some reason kept trying to tell me about his shitty Mitsubishi.

My 9 year old woke me up before 6 on a weekend saying “Dad, dad, there’s an emergency!”

I got up to find the bathroom covered in sand and water and a toilet full of sand and shattered glass after a jar had been dropped in it.

Honestly, I had no idea what was going on, and yet complete certainly that someone was doing things they were not supposed to be doing and that the fact that I had to be awake right now means that this was going to be a bad day.

Don’t worry though, there’s a happy ending. We sold the child to a gang of poachers and regained all the free time and peace of mind we’ve been missing out on. And with the profits I plan to buy a Miata.

You really want to know?

I died, flatlining one winter morning. Family did first responder, emergency services resuscitated. Hospital, recovery and so on.

And while it might be seen as a wonder I’m alive again we all got out worse from that experience in several ways - nobody cares. Your capacity for work is OK? Well off you go then!

This past weekend.

A wildfire started up a few miles from my parents house in the western US. Winds were fairly high and it was well above 95F, so in a day and a half it went from a sprig of smoke to 10,000 acres fuelling its own weather.

I have spent the entire weekend helping them prep their property under some extreme stress. We ripped out every bit of brush and weed from the house perimeter, cut down 6 trees that were too close, ran a tractor with a disk to start building ground fire lines around the base of their hill, and ran as many water sprinklers on the lawn and surrounding terrain and trees as we could to improve their ability to resist ignition. And on top of that have gotten them packed and their livestock and farm equipment all moved to pastures well out of the treeline.
All of this while the sun was completely obscured by smoke, to the point where I had the lights on the tractor. Hell, we could HEAR the fire from their house. It was like a jet engine was running just over the west ridge. You could see tree crowns torching 150+ feet in the air.

I’ve probably worked like 45+ hours in the last 4 days. I’m so tired dude.

Luckily, whether by sheer happenstance or force of a god unknowing, the wind has held in the right direction and the fire front facing their house has been very mild since Saturday night, and wildfire crews have had a chance to build dozer containment lines there. We’re still on a hair trigger but we are cautiously optimistic they’re going to make it through without any of their land burning.

Fuck global warming dude

I just had the most traumatic one of my life this last few weeks.

Watched my bipolar brother refuse to admit he was manic for months as it got worse and worse. Dozens of friends and family trying to help, but him burning every bridge on the way down.

Somehow got his ass arrested for some violent crime, that nobody will even explain to me, and damn near killed in the process. I got to stand by helplessly as the police and the hospital give me no access, and allow him to continue to self sabatoge even his mental health legal defense, and put himself in more risk in county jail instead of the psych ward.

Promising career, ALMOST had student loan forgiveness from medical school, woulda had it in October, in big big trouble now!

It has sucked real bad so far, and we haven’t even hit trial yet.

Not really a ‘real emergency’, but some time ago electricity in all my zone (a radius of 50-60km) went down for several hours, so even cell towers, ISP routing centers, ecc, were out of power. Not a real emergency, but I had 2 small meshtastic devices, and it was awesome to be able to discuss with people in other nearby cities and communicate ‘offline’!

A woman had a seizure on the sidewalk. I kept her in the recovery position (she was already on her side) and managed to slip a bag under her head because she kept banging it on the ground. Called 911. Figured everything was as good as it could be given situation, she wasn’t going to hurt herself any further and help was coming.

Then a cop walked up and tried to pull her onto her back while I was trying to keep her on her side. I yelled to back off, he yelled back, argued with me about whether I witnessed a seizure, I refused to let him touch her, EMTs arrived shortly after.

Fuck cops.

I was camping at an event. I had recently finished recharging a large lipo battery (3S 9000mah). The battery went from normal to nuclear in a second or 2.

Thankfully I had it clear of flammables and in a lipo bag. Even so, it started 3 grass fires in the time it took to get it out of the marquee and wet enough to extinguish it. The event volunteers were there within 40 seconds, with fire extinguishers. Thankfully we already had it under control by then.

Lesson learnt, always use a fire resistant container to charge in e.g. an ammo can or a cooking pot. Also assume it can turn into a fireball with absolutely no warning, and plan accordingly.

I was aimlessly swimming underwater in the deep end of a backyard pool when I saw an infant on the bottom, next to one of the side walls. I grabbed it, rushed it to the surface, and sat it on the edge. Her parents quickly came running. The kid was fine. It seems she instinctively held her breath once submerged and wasn’t under very long. The parents weren’t watching (they were in lawn chairs 10-20 feet away) and nobody really knows how long she was under. I’m still struck by the parents’ neglect. Also that the kid had no buoyancy and sank like a stone.

It’s been a long time, but last one was about 20 years ago. Me and my friend Danielle had just finished our open water scuba diving courses together, and went to do our first dive with a group from the dive shop - including one of our instructors who was leading it.

It was a shore dive, we all walk in in our drysuits and I stupidly drop my mask and lose it in the silty water. Danielle starts swimming around looking for it, while most of us are chatting above the surface. We’re in about 3’ of water at this point on the beach, I’m literally standing up next to her, so danger is the last thing on my mind.

Suddenly someone asks me if Danielle is ok, I turn around just as she stops moving, grab her by the bcd and pull her up. She’s blue and not breathing. The instructor is already on his way over, gives her some rescue breaths and she immediately comes back. We pull her to the shore and she’s coughing up water, paramedics roll up shortly after and take her to the hospital just in case.

She has gotten air stuck in the boots of her dry suit and was stuck inverted. Instead of doing the recovery roll we were trained, or inflating her bcd, she panicked and as a result somehow lost her mouth piece.

She never dived in cold water again, although we did go to belize several months later to do a bunch of diving. I kept up the cold water diving.

It really made me appreciate how panicking can completely fuck you over, and made me a very safety conscious diver. I always stay close to my buddy and keep a close eye on them.

About 5 years ago or so, was standing waiting for the bus, minding my own business. Next to me was a man in his 40’s, and his ~10 year old kid. Suddenly I saw from the corner of my eye that the man just collapsed, like you see in cartoons, straight down on the ground. Kid froze up and just stared at him, and I quickly realized that “Oh fuck, I am the adult in the situation.”

Went over to the man, who was conscious, but confused and angry. Luckily I recognized the signs of hypoglycemia, and asked the kid if his dad has diabetes. Kid didn’t answer, just stared at him. Snapped my fingers in his face, and he came out of it, and answered “Yes, type 1”. Told the kid to run to the nearby store and get a juice box or two, don’t bother paying or explaining, we’ll deal with it later. I stayed with the dad, tried asking some questions while ringing the emergency number, and he let me check his head. Luckily he didn’t hit it, there was no blood at least.

Got the ambulance sorted, and kid ran back with juice boxes, with the store clerk running and screaming in tow. I yelled at the clerk that it’s an emergency, man with diabetes collapsed. Clerk didn’t care or listen, just screamed at the kid that he stole the juice boxes and tried to grab him. I got up and stepped between them, and raised my voice over hers (fortunately I have a very loud voice if I want to) and she shut up for a few seconds before starting her inane tirade about stealing and how she’s gonna phone the cops. I lost my temper and told her to shut the fuck up and either help or fuck off, who the fuck cares about 50 cents worth of juice, man’s life was on the line.

After drinking two boxes of juice, the man perked up and was coherent again, and stated that he has type 1 diabetes and forgot to eat. I told him it’s fine, ambulance is on the way, do you need more sugar? He said he’s fine, and tried to get up but I gently stopped him. During all of this, the clerk was still going on about stealing, and I got pissed, told her I know stores have a budget for this sort of thing, what the fuck is your problem, this man had an emergency, the kid did what I told him and it was the right thing to do. At this point, I remembered the kid.

The kid was standing there, tears in his eyes, staring at his feet. I pat him on the back, told him to not listen to the insane lady, you did good lad, saved your dad’s life. Ambulance came at that point, and the man started fussing how he doesn’t need an ambulance, he’s fine. Told him that it’s a good idea to get checked even if you feel fine, see if there’s any underlying issues, check your head in case you hit it etc… Got the paramedics up to speed, they started a glucose and hydration drip.

During the whole ordeal, the clerk never stopped yammering and whining, so one of the paramedics told her to knock it off and jot it up as cost of business, stores have a budget for this exact sort of thing, and it was less than a euro worth of juice that saved a man’s life. They thanked me for the quick help, told them it’s fine, I have friends with diabetes, not my first rodeo, and I have a first aid certificate, got lucky I was there. Turned to the kid, who was sitting in the ambulance with his dad, still crying silently, in complete shock. I fist bumped him, told it was gonna be okay, you did good. Both the kid and dad thanked me, I told them no need, I just did what anyone else would have. Ambulance left.

Store clerk was still fuming, and tried to start her shit again with me. I took out my wallet, had 2 euro coin there and I threw it on the ground. Told her “there you go, you stupid piece of shit. You have your money, what the fuck are you still doing here” and put on my headphones, ignoring her. She left shortly after, glaring at me. I gave her the finger. She didn’t even pick up the 2 euro coin.

My bus came, and I was almost an hour late for work at that point. Boss nagged me when I got there, but calmed down when I explained. Was pissed about the clerk all day.

All of this at 06:30 in the morning. I’m not a morning person. It sucked. At least I could help someone in need.

Moral of the story (if you really want one):

Don’t be a fucking dickhead.

Also, if you have the chance, do first aid training. I’ve had several situations during my life where things could’ve ended worse if I didn’t know how to react. One situation unfortunately where it didn’t matter, old boy had a seizure (I think aneurysm or stroke) and was dead before the paramedics got there, me and another dude had been doing CPR for 20 minutes on a dead man, but at least we did our best.

Did CPR on an overdose until somebody showed up with Narcan. Dude lived.

Being in the hospital near death is a fun time.

Specifically with a kidney stone causing a UTI that went near septic. Yay me. Also the look on the urgent care guy’s face was priceless.

Last week, as a part of my job, I was interviewing a suspect in order to write a pre-trial report for the courts in which I give my recommendations regarding parole and probation in case the suspect is found guilty. The interview was going great and the suspect was a really nice person. Suddenly, my personal safety alarm - which signals that there is a medical emergency or an ongoing assault - goes off and the display indicates that the incident is taking place just across the hall. I tell the suspect to stay put, I jump out into the hallway (first mistake), hastily pull open the door to the room in question (second mistake) and see that a colleague is having a seemingly normal conversation with a parolee. I look into my colleague’s eyes to read their needs and I immediately realize that they want the parolee out of there. I look at the parolee, who’s reeking of alcohol, with a kind smile and tell them, “let’s take a walk 🤗” and point in the direction in which I want them to go with my left arm. The parolee follows my instructions and I keep talking to them in a calming but firm fashion. While moving towards the exit, I also give them positive affirmation on how not everybody would’ve been able to follow instructions in such a calm manner in such a stressful situation.

After following up with my colleague who had sounded the alarm, and who had already been taken care of by our on-site counselor, I learned that the parolee had said to my colleague, twice, “I am going to kill [some direct threat of bodily harm] you before this meeting is over”.

Edit: I suddenly became unsure of whether they actually used the word “kill”, but at the very least, it was about harming my colleague in some way before their meeting concluded.